Joy in Journey

We may not every travel Europe as we'd hope and my body may never go back to how it was prepregnancy, I may never have my dream house or my career and my life will always be a lot less me and a lot more of someone else..there is so much joy in our journey.

But here we are on a journey of life. We were entrusted with a precious gift- we were given her to love... unconditionally. Teach... the truth of the Lord and what it means to follow him. Empower... her to be the best she can and serve God with her whole heart. To forgive... as we are forgiven. To discipline... for her own good as the Father disciplines us. To provide for her needs and sometimes her desires. It isn't a gift to be taken lightly and if the Lord thought we could handle it- we can. And aren't we so honored to be given this gift...

I get emotional when I think about the birth of Lainey. It is by the grace of God that she is here. He WILLED her into exsistance. She is a creation- not designed by me or Kellen, although we were certainly a part of it, but rather by the great Creator. Not our time, but his. A part of his plan here for his purpose and his glory. Her birthday was picked before she was even conceived- he knows the hairs on her head, and the last breath she will take. He knitting her together in my womb- her strengths and weakness, passions and dislikes all unique for God's glory. God's plan is perfect- not just part of the journey but all of it.

Romans 8:28-39

To Be Held

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the rock eternal. He humbles those who dwell on high, he lays the lofty city low, he levels it to the ground and casts it down to the dust. Feet trample it down- the feet of the oppressed, the footsteps of the poor. The path of the righteous is level, O upright One, you make the way of the righteous smooth. Isaiah 26:3-7 .

Being a mom has taught me/reminded me a lot about our heavenly Father and what it is to be a child of God.

Sometimes Lainey cries for what appears to be gas pains. The other day was one of these time...I scooped her up in my arms and found myself telling her many things to soothe her in hopes she'll stop crying. W ithout really thinking I started to mutter. It went something like this: Lainey, I'm your mom and I love you. You don't have to cry I'll always be here for you. Don't worry. You don't have to cry. You can trust me. I'll feed you when you're hungry, clothe you when your cold and hold you when you're hurt or sad. I'll watch over you and protect you. I love you, you're precious to me. Have faith in me. Then it hit me. God asks the same thing of us. We need to faith have in him. He knows our needs and he will watch over us, protect and hold us. He loves us. We are so precious to him-so much so that he wants us to spend eternity with him. His plan is perfect. Trust it.

Pain is real. Although I can't take Lainey's pain away, her comfort is in my arms. Feeling my warmth and love. One day Lainey will learn that even though I'm her mom, I'll fail her. However, I hope that she'll know God will not disappoint. We suffer pain. In a broken world, pain is inevitable. Unfortunatly a lot of times doing the right thing can mean a long hard road of suffering and persecution. But God is willing to hold us, walk with us through it all and love us. In the end, it will be worth it.

Fear of the Lord will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord will be kept safe. Provebs 29:25

He held fast to the Lord and did not cease to follow him; he kept the commands the Lord had given Moses. And the Lord was with him; he was successful in whatever he undertook. He rebelled against the King of Assyria and did not serve him. 1 Kings 18:6-7

CamCo

This weekend marked our first family adventure. We headed off to Cameron County to the adorable town of Emporium to visit a college friend of mine, Nicole! Its about a 3 1/2 hour drive.

I told Nicole we would be there around noon. Well, first the alarm didn't go off and then we were to drop the dogs off at our parents house on the way. Well, we stopped at Krispy Kreme to get donuts and while we were inside one of the dogs pooped in the car. Then we finally got to our parents and Lainey was close to feeding time so we fed her and we didn't get back on the road until 11 or so. We took Route 28 and it was a beautiful drive. The sun was shining and the leaves were beautiful. We ended up stopping at Walmart for Nicole and I nursed Lainey in the parking lot- totally awkward! Why is it that when you intentionally park far away people come and park next to you? I was stressed on the way up. I found out Kellen forgot our toothbrushes and toothpaste and my contact solution and glasses. So we had to stop twice! Anyway, we finally arrived to her house at 3. Lesson learned: when traveling with an infant be flexible!

We were able to go on a nice walk in the woods where we saw deer, chipmunks, pheasants, a bear paw print ( hahaha) and mountains covered with beautiful leaves. Lainey got carried on Kellen and was very good on the walk. Later we went looking for elk! We saw some and heard them call, but it was pretty dark so we didn't get a good look. Then we enjoyed good food and fellowship with Nicole and her wonderful family. Her parents are so nice and wonderfuls hosts! We went to church and hung out a little afterwards and then headed home. It was a quick weekend, but I really enjoyed it. I realized Nicole and I didn't take any pictures together :-( She did take some cute ones of our family though!

Kellen was/is amazing. He helped with Lainey a TON. I really got to enjoy myself and actually relax some. It was nice to get a little bit of a break.

The drive home was wonderful. Lainey did great and Kellen and I enjoyed a lot of great conversation. I really appreciated those 3 hours and our talks. We haven't gotten the opportunity to talk like that in a long time. It was great for our marriage. :-) I love him. We were tired after our long adventure- but it was fun and I feel refreshed!

I hope to get some more fall pictures since its such a beautiful time of year. I keep trying to think of something creative to do with Lainey to get some cute "portraits" any ideas?

Fall

I love fall! I love cozy sweaters, warm blankets, pretty leaves and hot chocolate! This weekend we are taking Lainey on her first over night adventure. We are going to visit Nicole in the beautiful Pennsylvania mountains. I hope the Wigfield family knows what they are getting into by inviting Kellen and I and our almost 2 month old daughter! Her house and family are so nice and the hills surrounding it are gorgeous! I enjoyed my visit so much last time so I am super excited to go back. The weather is supposed to be nice so we plan on trying to do some hikes and look for elk! I'll be sure to post some pictures early next week.

Although its only Tuesday, this week has been better than most. The weather has been rainy and visibility is down. Therefore, my wonderful pilot husband has not been able to instruct. The disadvantage is if he doesn't fly he doesn't get paid. The advantage is we got to spend some time together. Monday after we shared lunch, he stayed at home with Lainey while I ran some errands. It was nice to be able to get out and get some grocery shopping done and the house cleaned up. Hopefully the weather will clear up and Kellen can get some flights in tomorrow. I know work is necessary, but I do love having him around!

My boss called today. He needs to know by Monday so he can make up the schedule what I am doing as far as returning to work. I'm pretty sure we have figured it out, but are continuing to pray about it.

The Good and Bad

I hate when people say, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first." Why is it that good things always come with the bad? I am not all about the ying yang stuff or karma but a lot of times it does seem that good news comes with bad news. In my life is not exception. So I will start with the good. I LOVE BEING A MOM! Its such an amazing experience and blessing. I am learning so much from this and it brings me so much joy! Taking a baby out in public can be a lot of fun and a lot of work! Its fun because people ALWAYS stop to tell me how cute she is, ask me how old she is and tell me I look great for just having a baby. (I love the first and last part). It is a lot of work too- so much extra gear comes with a baby. Also, sometimes she just starts to SCREAM. For no appearant reason. Yet strangers like to tell me that she must be hungry or dirty or sick. She did this yesterday at the mall and for once she could not have been quieted. After about 10 minutes of trying to console her, I made a dash for the door. I dont like to subject others to her scream. For such a little creature, she has a loud voice. It lasted for hours after I took her home too.

Within the last couple weeks Lainey has changed so much. She has really found her voice. She has been cooing making cute noises for weeks, but recently she has learned to do this horrible loud squak like noise. The first time at night while I was sleeping. I must have jumped 5 feet out of bed. And now she almos giggles. She has really started smiling a lot. She doesn't have these big grins just these cute 'lip smiles'. Her cheeks are getting rosier and her eyes bluer. I don't know who she looks like. She reminds me of someone but I can't figure out who. Most say she looks like Kellen. She hates tummy time- seriously hates it. I try to do it anyway but sometimes I just can't handle the crying. I hope this doesn't hurt her developementally. She has always done great at holding her head up. She turns it all around and looks around her. She loves to follow the mobile in her crib. And has been sleeping 7+ hours at night. It seems like she really recognizes Kellen and I and she loves to study Kellen's face. She really is a great baby and we are so blessed to have her.

So now onto the bad. For me it is easy to talk about the good stuff in life. I could talk all day about Lainey and the joy she brings to our life. But life has good and bad. Life contains real struggles and if I used this blog to just write about all the good in my life, I would feel like I am living a lie. So here is the bad. I am supposed to go back to work on October 19th. I don't want to. It is too difficult to figure out childcare and to pay someone isn't worth it. And most of all I don't really want to leave her. Every once in a while it would be nice to have a break, but I really enjoy being a stay at home mom. I know she changes so quickly. It is hard to believe that she is 7 weeks old already. I don't to miss a single moment. So as much as I don't want to work, things are kind of rough having Kellen gone so much. Its really been taking a toll on me. Our situation is so far from the ideal. I bet Kellen and I have MAYBE seen each other 5 hours total this week. That might be generous. Most days are just plain tough, but some days are REALLY tough. So I sit here torn. I can put my precious daughter in daycare and work full time and we would have all evenings together as a family. Money wouldn't be a problem (although right now money isn't the issue, Kellen works two jobs to keep our insurance.) We'd have secure health insurance. And Kellen wouldn't be burdened working 60 hour work weeks. I am weighing the pros and cons of me working to allow us more time as a family. Neither option is ideal in my opinion and it breaks my heart. I tear up just writing this. God is faithful- we believe that and we are seeking Him through this. Prayers for wisdom and guidance would be greatly appreciated as we seek what is best for our family. This is obviously a big decision and not an easy one.