The Good and Bad

I hate when people say, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first." Why is it that good things always come with the bad? I am not all about the ying yang stuff or karma but a lot of times it does seem that good news comes with bad news. In my life is not exception. So I will start with the good. I LOVE BEING A MOM! Its such an amazing experience and blessing. I am learning so much from this and it brings me so much joy! Taking a baby out in public can be a lot of fun and a lot of work! Its fun because people ALWAYS stop to tell me how cute she is, ask me how old she is and tell me I look great for just having a baby. (I love the first and last part). It is a lot of work too- so much extra gear comes with a baby. Also, sometimes she just starts to SCREAM. For no appearant reason. Yet strangers like to tell me that she must be hungry or dirty or sick. She did this yesterday at the mall and for once she could not have been quieted. After about 10 minutes of trying to console her, I made a dash for the door. I dont like to subject others to her scream. For such a little creature, she has a loud voice. It lasted for hours after I took her home too.

Within the last couple weeks Lainey has changed so much. She has really found her voice. She has been cooing making cute noises for weeks, but recently she has learned to do this horrible loud squak like noise. The first time at night while I was sleeping. I must have jumped 5 feet out of bed. And now she almos giggles. She has really started smiling a lot. She doesn't have these big grins just these cute 'lip smiles'. Her cheeks are getting rosier and her eyes bluer. I don't know who she looks like. She reminds me of someone but I can't figure out who. Most say she looks like Kellen. She hates tummy time- seriously hates it. I try to do it anyway but sometimes I just can't handle the crying. I hope this doesn't hurt her developementally. She has always done great at holding her head up. She turns it all around and looks around her. She loves to follow the mobile in her crib. And has been sleeping 7+ hours at night. It seems like she really recognizes Kellen and I and she loves to study Kellen's face. She really is a great baby and we are so blessed to have her.

So now onto the bad. For me it is easy to talk about the good stuff in life. I could talk all day about Lainey and the joy she brings to our life. But life has good and bad. Life contains real struggles and if I used this blog to just write about all the good in my life, I would feel like I am living a lie. So here is the bad. I am supposed to go back to work on October 19th. I don't want to. It is too difficult to figure out childcare and to pay someone isn't worth it. And most of all I don't really want to leave her. Every once in a while it would be nice to have a break, but I really enjoy being a stay at home mom. I know she changes so quickly. It is hard to believe that she is 7 weeks old already. I don't to miss a single moment. So as much as I don't want to work, things are kind of rough having Kellen gone so much. Its really been taking a toll on me. Our situation is so far from the ideal. I bet Kellen and I have MAYBE seen each other 5 hours total this week. That might be generous. Most days are just plain tough, but some days are REALLY tough. So I sit here torn. I can put my precious daughter in daycare and work full time and we would have all evenings together as a family. Money wouldn't be a problem (although right now money isn't the issue, Kellen works two jobs to keep our insurance.) We'd have secure health insurance. And Kellen wouldn't be burdened working 60 hour work weeks. I am weighing the pros and cons of me working to allow us more time as a family. Neither option is ideal in my opinion and it breaks my heart. I tear up just writing this. God is faithful- we believe that and we are seeking Him through this. Prayers for wisdom and guidance would be greatly appreciated as we seek what is best for our family. This is obviously a big decision and not an easy one.