Its been a while since I've written. Life has been happening at full speed and my mind has been racing on many many things, but I often don't know how to express the many thoughts I have.
I believe I have chronic fatique. Now this may not seem like a big deal because I have a 3 month old baby and as any parent can tell you- its exhausting. Yes, I realize that, however I am beyond exhausted. In fact I am so exhausted I can't sleep. And honestly, I can't even blame Lainey because she sleeps 8-10 hours a night and has been since she was 5 weeks old. With this, I am overly anxious. I lay awake at night wondering and thinking and running through a million scenerios in my head. I worry about the 'what-ifs' in life, I stress about everything big and little, and my very active imagination tortures my exhausted self. When it comes to sleep I am my own worse enemy. I toss and turn and those 8 hours that Lainey gives me, turns into a very poorly slept evening. I am usually more tired waking up than when I went to bed. Kellen is the complete opposite of me. Nothing keeps him awake at night. He never worries and the thing that I cannot understand for the life of me is he claims (frequently) that he can think about nothing. I can't even imagine not having a thought in my head. My mind constantly races. This makes me very envious of him.
We're big Family Guy fans. (Mom, I know, I know HORRIBLE show). However, there is one episode where Lois is dealing with Peter and being the worrying woman and they show her brain "I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor" I'm driving myself to have a tumor...
So admitting to a problem is the first step in fixing it. I'm blaming my problem on worry and anxiety. Now why do I worry? I guess to be answer this honestly. Its a LACK of faith. I doubt God's perfect plan for my life, I question his will for my family, I over think everything and under trust Him. Once again Kellen is the opposite.He trusts blindly and questions almost nothing. So my goal is stop worrying and start trusting. Any encouraging words/books/bible verses would be great! Also help keep me accountable! We'll see how this goes- but I know if I can do this my quality of life will greatly increase! And maybe I won't end up with a tumor... :-p
Anyway, Lainey is almost 3 months and is doing awesome! I'll be sure to right about her soon- after all she is way more interesting than I am.
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Ever since I met Dan he has claimed that he more often than not is "thinking about nothing"...I, too, found this so difficult to believe. I always, always have something on my mind even when we're sitting perfectly quiet in the car or watching tv. I wish I knew more to say to help with your anxiety, in your defense there really is just so much to think about I'm sure, especially with a baby and everything that goes with it. I hope you're able to find some peace and serenity to get the rest you desperately need. I think of you often :)
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